at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What a dumb baby whore.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
