I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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