o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
