apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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