last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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