...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
