I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
