My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
