There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
