I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
