Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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