Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
