I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
