we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
