Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
