I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
