the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
