a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
