I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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