I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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