just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
