The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
