I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
