Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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