She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
