Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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