mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
