I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
