Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
