perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
