i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
