i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
