i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
