I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
