Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
