The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
