i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
