my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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