Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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