i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
