you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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