I got chris browned last night
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
