so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
