I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
