I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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