im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this just has baby written all over it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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