He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
