Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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