there's paper in my vomit.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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