Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
