If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
